firstlightofeos: (Curiosity)
[personal profile] firstlightofeos
Mm. Since a friend of mine did this:

Post anything that you want (in comments), and post it anonymously. It can be anything: a story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love–whatever you want. Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice (or more than that) if you'd like.

Then, put this in your LJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your LJ) have to say.

Date: 2005-10-23 01:02 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I'm going to follow the format a certain friend of mine used when she herself replied to this post.

I am scared.

Terrified, really. Of so many things, I don't know where to begin. I feel like I'm losing myself, both from trying too hard to change myself to please others, and because of the natural process of growing up. This scares me—not being able to control it. I'm afraid that I've become someone who even I don't recognise.

I'm terrified of losing others. I may not always say this, or show it, but I do. I'm afraid that my behaviour puts others off, and it's why I'm not myself—not with you, any of my best friends... with anyone, really. I'm afraid that others won't like me, especially when they see who I really am.

And what's quite ironic is that I'm starting to lose you, and vice-versa. Part of me thinks that this was bound to happen eventually; after all, all friendships come to an end eventually. But this other part of me is worried because, if it happened to us, wouldn't it happen to everyone else? Ergo, will I be losing other people close to me? Those who, if they exit my life, will leave absolute devastation in their wake?

I'm frustrated.

I feel like everything's resting on my shoulders, from my future to my friends' problems. Not only do I have to be the peacemaker in fights that aren't mine, I have to juggle emotions carefully so that no one gets hurt, so that everyone remains friendly and happy. This tires me, exhausts me in a way that I am hopelessly blank and empty. I go to sleep crying, unable to voice my pain, and afraid no one will understand even if I do.

I am too hard on myself.

Everyone who knows me knows this. Yet, I still haven't changed. The problem is that I don't know how, or why. I'm always putting myself down, going over everything I want to say in my head before I say it, so as to make sure that it won't hurt the person I say it to.

Right now, I'm worried that this will come out entirely the wrong way, that some person reading this will think me dramatic and stupid, and wonder why on earth I'm romanticising all of this.

I hate me.

If I could explain why, I'd try. But I can't. I only know that nothing I do makes me happy, that nothing I say can content me, that I am sick and tired of myself. To the point where I often want to be something small and insignificant, like a pen, and stay still for most of my life, used only for the creative genius of a writer, or the mathematical calculations of a high-school student.

I wish I could be better, and yet, I can't.

You and I both know whom this is, and, yet, for some reason, I can't be bothered to delete this comment in an effort to hide me. Perhaps I'm tired of it; perhaps not; all I know is that I have to vent somewhere, and since this is comparatively private, why not?

Date: 2005-10-23 01:04 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Are we friends?

I'm not really sure, in all honesty.

Date: 2005-10-23 01:28 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
You disappointed me.

I had expected more.

Date: 2005-10-23 02:04 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Do you like me?

Do I mean anything to you?

I don't think so.

It's a shame.

Date: 2005-10-23 06:26 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
you are one of the most intellectual people i have ever spoken to. your sentences are eloquent; your voice is pure; thoughts are refreshing. i think that we were really close but then drifted b/c of unexpected and unpreventable forces. i don't know where we stand right now, but i hope we're still standing together

Date: 2005-10-25 12:09 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)

i want it for my birthday.

easy ways to divide price
people cost per person
1 $300
2 $150
3 $100
5 $60
6 $50
9 $33.33
10 $30
15 $20
20 $15
25 $12
30 $10
50 $6
100 $3
150 $2
300 $1

Date: 2005-10-28 04:25 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
People need more magic in their lives.
Wear a mask, twirl and bow, an actor for the world.
We all have our personas, yes. But does it matter if you see the masks, if you are still willing to be there for the person behind?
It's fun to walk the line of cynicism, yes, but be wary of falling off the fence to the side of pessimism and depression. You may not even notice at the time, only later wonder where all the joy has gone. Things will make you cry or scream that should have merely made you laugh at the absurdity.
But it can pass. And are masks so bad, if they let in a spark of laughter to light the way on the climb back up?


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